Have you ever been in a position where a friendship seems to be ending, or you’re facing serious conflict?
For this month’s blog I spoke with Kerry MacAdam, who is a Health and Life Coach here in Ottawa. Kerry and I discussed friendships changing, and maybe breaking up. Recently she’d faced a challenge in her friendship circle with women who have been friends for 10-15 years.
Here’s what Kerry told me:
When you’re friends for many years, you become like a family. And like families, it’s inevitable that tensions will build. Sometimes, even when you know there’s problems, it’s easier to joke and “blame the hormones/life/kids,” etc.
In Kerry’s case, the tension in the friendship group didn’t improve. And nobody wanted to address the issues. As a reformed people-pleaser, Kerry gathered the courage to have a serious conversation. Because friendship is really important to her, she felt she needed to address it so they could all find common ground and closure so the friendship could continue to move forward.
But the others did not respond well. They did not want to hear concerns, or work on the obvious problems. The group dynamic changed completely.
Kerry felt she had “work to do” because she knew cultivating friendships takes time, energy and trust. After a number of failed attempts to get the group together to ‘hash things out’, sadly, and with a heavy heart and for her own well-being, Kerry ultimately had to remove herself from the group, as none were willing to listen or compromise. This was incredibly painful as this friendship circle had been close for almost 15 years. For Kerry, it was like a marriage ending.
As a Life Coach Kerry believes all friendships outside of your spouse are important and valuable. Working on our friendships is important; as we age we go through lots of changes, and we evolve. As we go through these changes we have friends who act as a sounding board for our issues and we meet each other ‘where we’re at’ in our stage of life. We support each other, and feel valued.
Women typically go deeper emotionally, and we carry feelings for years. And because we go deep, when things go awry it hurts differently. We can form long-term friendships where we feel safe and valued and know we have someone in our corner, so when something happens to change that - we experience it on a much deeper level.
When you have friendships that are that important to you, Kerry’s advice is:
Don’t ignore the problem or your feelings. We all want to be heard and respected and it should be mutually reciprocated.
When in doubt if something in your friendship doesn’t feel right, remember, “Your head has questions, your heart has answers.” That’s how you listen to your gut - that’s how you follow your intuition. If you’re unsure how to proceed or why you’re feeling the way you do, take some time to reflect on that.
There is such a thing as a natural end to a friendship, and that’s ok. Change is inevitable and necessary and some people are only in your life for a season. Not to mention, that as we get older our filters get sharper and we are better at knowing what we want and expect from mature adults, more so than we did when we were younger. For example, do we really need the drama at this age? Kerry reminds us that “we left high school 35 yrs ago.” so let’s approach things with respect, maturity, and with the necessary care and compassion. Talking things through is important as some people just need to be listened to and heard.
Other times you have to distance yourself to allow for clarity and to view things from a different lens. It’s hard to be objective when you’re caught up in the whirlwind of emotions. Sometimes friendships ending is a natural evolution in life, which can be “a soft parting of ways” without heartache or drama. When you honour your integrity, there’s a peace that comes with making the right choice, even if that means you choose to part ways.
Kerry’s advice moving forward: keep your mind open to the possibility that you might come back together. You need friendships for both your mental and physical health. If you are fortunate to have deep friendships or a wide and strong social circle, then continue to cherish and nurture those friendships. At the end of the day, if you find yourself in a difficult situation with a friend(s) - always do what you feel is best for you after you’ve exhausted all avenues at rectifying things. Your self-esteem and your value are worth more than their disrespect. If you need to remove yourself for your own well-being and peace, then do it, knowing there are brighter days ahead. Don’t close yourself off and be unwilling to bond with other women in the future. Perhaps you haven’t yet met your ‘best friend’.
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Thank you Kerry for your wisdom on friendships.
If you’d like to know more about Kerry, please check her out here.